Wednesday, May 10, 2006

service notes

How's this for honesty in an order of service
Most churches have an order of worship where they tell you in advance everything you are to expect from the service. We're too cheap to print out a bunch of flimsy handouts to get trampled on the floor of our church and turned into paper airplanes, so this is what you get instead.

The disclaimer:
Order of worship is subject to change without notice. All rights reserved. Your mileage may vary. Subject to availability. Void where prohibited. Subject to restrictions. Contents under pressure. Some settling may occur in transport. We incur no responsibility for any spontaneous combustions that may occur during our worship time. No guarantees or warranties express or otherwise are made.

Coffee and bagel time
Coffee and bagels are available for the early birds who show up before the service starts. That would be most of us. We ask for a donation in the paper cup centrally located on the table. No pushing or shoving. No running. Fisticuffs are to take place outside on the sidewalk or out back in the parking lot, with sleeves rolled. No flailing and hair-pulling or knock-down drag-out fights in the art/trophy area, where the bagels and coffee are located. Please try to avoid bringing coffee into the sanctuary no matter how desperately you may need it. Despite how smart and conscientious you may be, there will always be at least two people less caring and civilized than you, usually with one chasing the other, who will more likely than not knock it over and leave a big nasty stain which won't get cleaned up until Saturday. We hate cleaning the carpet. Please don't make us do it more than we absolutely have to.

The call to worship.
Once your coffee is almost cool enough to drink, and you're about halfway done with your bagel, someone will get on the microphone and begin yelling for people to please come sit down so we can get started. Usually this will be Andy or Mary, but other people have been known to take part on occasion as well. Once the shrieking and hollering starts and your friends begin disappearing, it's usually a good time to follow them into the sanctuary. Don't make us turn the lights on and off.

Once all of us have drifted in like sheep, and chair disputes have ended, worship begins. Usually there are about five or six songs. Please, no stage diving. One of the people authorized to sign our checks is likely to get crushed and then nobody will pay your bail. You'll notice that our drummer is in a Plexiglas cage. Most sound guys will tell you that that is to balance out the sound so he can play loudly without our getting sued for eardrum damage. Don't listen to them. The real reason, as all of us who have seen Spinal Tap know, is because drummers are prone to spontaneously combust. (Dozens of people spontaneously combust each year. It's just not really widely reported.) So to protect our hefty equipment investment, and our fellow worshipers, we have installed a durable Plexiglas blast shield for your protection.

During our worship time, near the end, you'll notice pairs of people coming up and standing in front. These are the virgin sacrifices. Actually that is a blatant flat-out lie. We apologize. They are actually our prayer teams. If you want prayer for something, go up to them and they'll agree with you in prayer. All prayer requests shared are kept strictly confidential, so feel free to cut loose.
Click on the link for the rest of the notes.


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