Wednesday, November 07, 2012

why did the chicken cross the road

Now that the USA election is over, let's get down to a real important issue - the theological basis for "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

  • Greg Boyd: It’s a possibility that the chicken crossed the road.
  • TD Jakes: A manifestation of the Chicken crossed the road for his blessings.
  • Rick Warren: The chicken was purpose driven.
  • Mark Driscoll: The chicken crossed because of the rooster’s leadership.
  • Joel Osteen: The chicken crossed the road to maximize his personal fulfillment so that he could be all that God created him to be.
  • Creflo Dollar: God told the chicken that if he clucked, “That land across the road is mine!,” he could claim it. He crossed the road to take possession.
  • Pelagius: Because the chicken was able to.
  • John Piper: God decreed the event to maximize his glory.
  • Billy Graham: The chicken was surrendering all.
  • Pluralist: The chicken took one of many equally valid roads.
  • Chris Rosebrough: It was a pirate chicken!
  • Steven Furtick: You can’t tell chicken to stand still. They are spontaneous!
  • Universalist: All chickens cross the road.
  • Annihilationist: The chicken was hit by a car and ceased to exist.
  • Fred Phelps: God hates chickens!
  • Martin Luther: The chicken was leaving Rome.
  • Tim LaHaye: The chicken didn’t want to be left behind.
  • Harold Camping: Don’t count your chickens until they’ve hatched.
  • James White: I reject chicken centered eisegesis.
  • John Wesley: The chicken’s heart was strangely warmed.
  • Thomas: I won’t believe the chicken crossed unless I see it with my own eyes.
  • Philip: The chicken teleported to the other side.
  • Rob Bell: The chicken. Crossed the road. To get. Cool glasses.
  • Rob Bell: Because Love Wins!
  • Roger Olson: The chicken recognizes no clear evangelical boundaries.
  • Peter: What chicken? What road? Never knew a chicken!! (rooster crows)
  • Ezekiel: God revived those chicken bones and then they crossed the road.
  • Paul: The chicken went to sleep and fell out the window only to be able to cross the road.
  • Mark Driscoll: A “bleeping” chicken crossed the road to go get a beer.
  • Jim Wallis: The poor chicken was fleeing fundamentalists.
  • Gary Demar: The chicken was fleeing the destruction of Jerusalem in AD 70. That’s it.
  • Jim Wallis: The chicken is an organizer for Occupy Barnyard.
  • Emergent: For this chicken, its not the destination that’s important. Its the journey itself.
  • Christian Pacifist: This is clearly an act of barnyard aggression that is condemned in the Sermon on the Mount.
  • N.T. Wright: This act of the chicken, which would be unthinkable in British barnyards, reeks of that American individualism that is destructive to community.
  • Al Mohler: When a chicken begins to think theologically, he has no other alternative but to come over to the Calvinist side.
  • Bill Gaither: The chicken obviously saw something beautiful, something good, on the other side of the road.
  • Freud: This whole exercise is obviously driven by chicken envy
I take no responsibility for any readers deficit in humour. via rick ianniello

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