on coffee

Michael Kruse updates the old "Why did the chicken crossed the road?

BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN MC CAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must
first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes
after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is
help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT'
problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he
wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn
from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to
give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and
not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is
either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image
of the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSONCOOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!
It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's
intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his
eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?'
That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken
is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we
boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal
media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.
That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as
simple as that.

GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told
us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its
life long dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but
will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check
book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new
platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% .........
reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the
chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of
chicken?

ALGORE:
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?:

DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?

AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

Labels: humour

From Ian's Messy Desk comes this wonderful list:

1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.
2. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault.
3. I honour my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
4. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
5. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
6. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than “I told you so.”
7. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step—blaming my parents.
8. I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.
9. Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
10. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

Labels: humour

A friend of mine was accusing me of giving Bass players a hard time about not singing enough. [It's easy - almost as easy as giving drummers a hard time. (Full disclosure - I have a son who is a drummer and another son who is a Bass player)] He passed on to me this story. So this is for all you Bass players out there.

A mindreader is at a nightclub one night and decides to give a small demonstration of her abilities. First, she reads the mind of the lead guitarist:

"Wow, look at all the cute chicks who showed up tonight! Good crowd!"

Then the drummer:

"Lots of people showed up tonight...Great! we're going to make good money tonight"

Then the Keyboard player:

"All three of these guys have no appreciation of my talent...What a bunch of losers"

Finally, the Bass player:

"C...G...C...G..."

Labels: humour

My daughter who blogs at on her toes is also part of the team of bloggers at daily lost. Her most recent post includes this great video...

Labels: humour

...and this was sent to me by a die-hard leaf fan... my condolences wayne

Labels: humour

Bob Newhart is great

Labels: humour

Cup O' Joe with Bill has a parody of Starbucks recent shutdown for training.

Here's the first part... follow the link to read the whole article... but ONLY if you understand satire... All religious people with no sense of humour leave while there is still time!

Today, starting at 5:30 p.m. (local time), your neighborhood church is closing. Yes, yours -- and yours, too. (If you live in the U.S., that is.) CSO (Chief Shepherd of Operations) Jesus Christ has ordered emergency intensive remedial training, hopefully giving church leaders valuable Ephesians 4:11-12 volunteer-equipping skills they should have learned in Bible college or seminary. One of the skills -- which, according to one New York church pastor involved in the remedial training program, was a "revelation" to many of his church workers -- is a discipling technique originally developed, initiated, modeled, and commanded by Jesus himself that shows church staffers how to "develop volunteers for ministry by first building authentic relationships with them" (rather than just merely using them to fill a slot somewhere in the ministry). The ultimate goal of this shut-down-for-training is that everyone will ultimately be trained to love God and love people inside AND outside the body of Christ.

via acccidental weblog

Labels: humour

A great spoof commercial for the bestselling book, Pagan Christianity by Frank Viola and George Barna - the most reviewed book by those who've never read it.

And no, I haven't read it yet.

Labels: humour

As I mentioned before in this blog global warming (specifically) and environmental issues (in general) have often been ignored by Christians. When they are addressed, they are often dealt with rather superficially (we could argue that that is true for most people's understanding of these issues).

Michael Specter has an article in the New Yorker about some of the complexities of measuring carbon footprints. It's worth the read. Specter does not reference the following graph... but it's an unexplored link to global warming

link

Maybe we should really promote Talk Like A Pirate Day this September!

Labels: environment, humour

via d'caffeinated pickle

Labels: humour

A couple of Sunday morning smiles

Concerning Announcements

In one of my pastoral daydreams, I imagined that Paul had penned a lost chapter of the First letter to the Corinthians. In this chapter, he was seeking to correct an announcement problem in the Corinthian church. My thoughts drifted. What would it say…Hmmmmmmm….

Chapter 17

Now concerning announcements, I do not want you to be ignorant brethren. When announcements are given, let there be only two or three and let them be given in order. Let the announcements be brief. Otherwise, those who are new worshipers and unschooled in the way of announcements, will they not say you are mad? It is better if announcements are written down and submitted to the church office so that the staff may make them. Are announcements more important than congregational singing or preaching? May it never be! Therefore, use your announcement time wisely and thus maintain a suitable balance in the service.

Let him who gives an announcement be careful lest he fall into temptation and a snare. Truly each one who gives an announcement considers his information to be holy. When giving his announcement, a spirit of rambling may overtake him and he may begin speaking in an unnecessary tongue. Let every man who makes an announcement pray that his announcement may be brief and to the point. Such announcements are edifying to the church.

Earnestly desire such announcements, but especially that you may read the bulletin. Announcements are of some value but the bulletin is greater. For now we announce in part and we know in part. But the bulletin gives full and detailed information so that your knowledge of ministry happenings may be complete. One who makes an announcement edifies a particular ministry. But the bulletin edifies the whole church. So then my brethren, listen to the announcements but do not neglect the bulletin.

Canadian Sermon Types, eh?

And now for something completely different...

Neil Young, who pastors Erindale United Church in Mississauga, Ontario, sent us this inventory of sermon styles in the Great White North.

The Maple Syrup: Boils source material down to about 1/50th its starting volume.

The Mountie: When it's most dressed-up, it doesn't arrest anybody.

The Igloo: Goes 'round and 'round until a final capstone is dropped in.

The Curling: Kind of incomprehensible, but everybody seems to have a good time.

The Lacrosse: Fast, hard-hitting, and it's hard to see the points as they're made.

The Hockey Fight: Staggers unsteadily, swinging wildly, but lands a punch or two.

The Canadian: Overly apologetic.

The Snowmobile: Loud and a bit obnoxious, but takes you places you otherwise wouldn't go.

The Beaver: Dams everything in sight.

The Maple Leaf: Has 11 points; always ends up falling to the ground.

Labels: humour

this is for all my leaf friends...


thanks to Mike Todd for the link

Labels: hockey, humour

via Helen

Labels: humour

Bill Bailey on Acts of God

Thanks to Helen for the link.

Labels: humour

This is what mom would say to her kids in one day condensed in 2.5 min.
As a bonus it is done to the tune of the William Tell Overture.
Watch it... if you are a mom... or have ever had a mom...



aniti renfore

Labels: humour

Here's a video clip of Newhart as the World's Greatest Counsellor. The video and audio are not the greatest quality, but Newhart's dry humour makes up for it.



via noel heikkinen

Labels: humour

via my friend Mike.

Labels: humour

how your mouse cursor really works.

Labels: humour

Research on bread indicates that:

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, it has been proposed that the following bread restrictions be made:

1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
   
5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.
   

This article was written by B.S. Wheatberry in a desert after consuming mass quantities of yeast bread then realizing his canteen was empty. (seriously :P )

bread is dangerous via kottle

Labels: humour

Labels: humour