Real Church?

The following excerpt is taken from, The Church You’ve Always Wanted (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2002), p. 29-31, by Glen Wagner. via Steve Camp

The Church of Networking
Make contacts to expand your business.

The Church of the Significant Other
Find that special someone. Hey, it’s better than a singles bar.

The Church of Social Service and Need Fulfillment
No need is too great or too small.

The Church of Heavenly Investment with Earthly Dividends
For the amount of money I contribute, I expect a significant return.

The Country Club Church
Gather to celebrate that you can gather together and that others can’t…at least, not with you. Caters to the right kind of people. Long-term members get the best tables and the best parking spots.

The Church of Heavenly Fun and Sanctified Pleasure
Keep me and my kids occupied so they don’t get into trouble. If you can’t fill my nights and weekends with fun and excitement, then I’ll have to take my business/membership elsewhere.

The Church of the Grand Stadium
Watch the gladiators of God do battle with the team of evil.

The Church of the Self-service, Spiritual Garage
Gives a periodic oil change (or anointing).

The Church of the Fast-food Restaurant
Get what you need, quick, easy, cheap. Just enough to sustain you for another week.

The Church of the Celestial Savings and Loan
Stop by and make a few deposits, because you never know when you’ll need to make a withdrawal.

The Church of the Diving Resort
Come here and be catered to. Others will do you bidding and pamper you.

The Church of Hellfire
Turn or burn, shake or bake, deny or fry. Others are going to hell…and aren’t you glad?

The Church of the Citadel
It is a fortress on a hill. Builds buildings, starts programs, and concentrates its efforts within its walls. If it doesn’t happen on this property, it must not be of God.

The Church of the Mega Mall
Has what the other churches don’t—and, quite frankly, does it a whole lot better. Whatever you need, it has it, tailored and fit to your specifications. Bring the whole family—it’s you one-stop shopping center. If you can’t find it, the church will create if for you, since its job is to keep you happy in Jesus’ name. It won’t threaten you, guilt you, worry you, or overburden you. It wants your time here to be enjoyable, so that you’ll come back and do business again.

The Church of Evangelistic Fervor
All activities during the week and on Sunday mornings lead up to one exciting moment; the altar call. Get ‘em to the front and get ‘em saved.

The Church of Sanctified Information
Pours out a stream of biblical material. The people eagerly fill their notebooks; the one will the fullest notebook and the fullest head gets the title “Most Spiritual.”

The Church of the Latest (and Largest) Program
Presents one extravaganza after another: musicians, preachers, concerts, dramas. The one with the newest, most expensive, and largest attendance wins.

The Church of Holy Tradition
A museum of and for the saints. The people gather to dust off old relics and be touched by the sacrifices of the past. Nostalgia is everything. Worship amounts to warm feeling about God.

The Church, Inc.
An organization run like a small business or large corporation, depending on its size. The CEO sets the direction and has little contact with the rank and file. Buy into the vision, baby!